was so pissed, so disappointed, so hurt, that i went to remove wa pic, twitter pic, header, etc. but fuck. after awhile its like. "wtf you angry fuck what rights y'have". and like, fuck can i do when thats what she wants. 

to avoid letting her know and see that all the icons of us are gone, i put all the original pics back - willingly. 

yeah, she hurt me. i felt hurt definitely. i cried. but fuck it. it doesnt mean that if you're hurt you have to make her feel hurt too. 

she may hurt me, but i'll surpress my emotions, turn it around and treat her like my girl again. a princess. she deserves these treaments from me. not me hurting her anymore like before. "tit for tat"? fuckingest bullshit logic ever. 

and yeah. i hope its basic respect that i get to know that he's talking to you when i'm still here.

 i'm still here. you dn any male bestfriend or guy or whoelse. your friends - jaslyn geraldine all, fuck yeah go w them. bc i really idm. but that and the rest are diff. i hope you know. if i'm gone, you can have all the freedom you want. really. 

but i'm still here. and i hope you abide to this - just this. bc its impt. but yeah its still ultimately your decision. i hope to get your ans one day. 

either 

"stay with me. idn them" kind 

or 

"fuck off. idn you. i need my friends". 

i'm waiting. 

"i fucking love you. but i fucking hate you"

everything became clear. 

sentosa day.

great day to begin with, took my girl out and yeah. had fun i guess even tho it was hot and kinda weird like didnt rly know what to do. 

despite years of planning for dates, i still fail at planning stuffs. fun stuffs. its always just not good enough. 

horrible way to end off the day. great disappointment. mind game was too overwhelming and strong, till my actions gave it all away. still have to surpress them so much more. still have to much to learn from my mistakes. 

but its getting too frustrating. its not the first time my actions led to disappointments. not the first. 

always after always i apologised, reflected, got your 'nevermind's and forgoing of the ridiculous actions, i still get back to sqaure one after awhile. fuck. when will i ever learn. fuck these mind and emotional games where i always fail and crumble. fuck it. fuck my cognitive fucking bullshit mentality. ridiculous. 

so much more places i want to bring you and things i want to do with you, i dont know how or whether its possible but yeah. oh well. at least i'm thankful i'm still here, and most importantly, i'm thankful that you're still here beside me. bc that means alot. bc these are the goals and motivations i hold on to right before the things i have to do over the condition. 

i dont know if i will ever be able to do everything with you, but i certainly hope so,. bc i want to dote on you. i want you to be happy - be it insta and twitter that you're always on, be it if i'm unhappy about it bc you're always on it whenever we do things tgt.. as long as you're happy, that anger goes off real fast. as long as you are GENUINELY happy. 

but needless to say it kinda flipped some buttons in me when i see you using them when i'm with you. just.. makes me feel you're thinking about life out there when you're with me. when all i want is us to be just us alone. even when there are millions around us. 

but maybe i'm expecting too much. 

but maybe i love you too much. 

maybe i'm just too afraid over everything. 

who says being cold blooded could be bad? 

heartless - no feelings, no pain.