be it a joke or a random comment, certain words hurt. 

you know that. 

First of June.

its first june. 

i'll start afresh. and prove i was not the wrong choice in your life. 

i really want to make you happy. 

i control and put things off, bc i rly want to just focus on you. is it too much pressure on you? 

i'm really sorry. but i really am just as into you as before. i love you. 

and i genuinely want to be better. right now. 

i want to forget those stupid little shits. bc i'm not fine at all. really not fine at all. 

bc i really need you. more than i ever expect, more than you realise. 

i didnt know i would walk into love this easily, i didnt know this walk led me to be this deep into and towards you. 

shits happen.  

i bet all i have on this last chance. i dont know how i will do. but all i know, i never and i can never lose you again. 

bc i can never take it. never. 

actions that are different before, i kill to hope things will be fine again. 

because your smile melt every ounce of me. 

because even my anger can never last towards you. 

i wish i can wake up with amnesia, so i could forget all the shit, and all my thoughts, that kills you, and kills me too. 

i need you everyday, not just weekdays, not just when i'm awake. 

but i need you always. sleeping, weekends, 24/7. i dont expect you to be on your phone talking to me 24/7. i know we need time to do our own things, but i hope it doesnt lead to ignores, nor that its ok to not be there. 

because it is not ok, even if it seems alright. 

iloveyou, and i dont know why i do, so deeply. 

but its YOU. 

i'm not done loving you. dont give up on me. 

i've never reflected as much as last night..

unspoken emotions.

fuck everything. you them him attention seeking fuckers trying get attention.

the outburst surge of hate grinding on my teeth. to hell with douglas lim. best friends. fuck best friend logic. fuck excuses. fuck shit. fuck love. fuck losing myself my sanity.

fuck everything. 

was so pissed, so disappointed, so hurt, that i went to remove wa pic, twitter pic, header, etc. but fuck. after awhile its like. "wtf you angry fuck what rights y'have". and like, fuck can i do when thats what she wants. 

to avoid letting her know and see that all the icons of us are gone, i put all the original pics back - willingly. 

yeah, she hurt me. i felt hurt definitely. i cried. but fuck it. it doesnt mean that if you're hurt you have to make her feel hurt too. 

she may hurt me, but i'll surpress my emotions, turn it around and treat her like my girl again. a princess. she deserves these treaments from me. not me hurting her anymore like before. "tit for tat"? fuckingest bullshit logic ever. 

and yeah. i hope its basic respect that i get to know that he's talking to you when i'm still here.

 i'm still here. you dn any male bestfriend or guy or whoelse. your friends - jaslyn geraldine all, fuck yeah go w them. bc i really idm. but that and the rest are diff. i hope you know. if i'm gone, you can have all the freedom you want. really. 

but i'm still here. and i hope you abide to this - just this. bc its impt. but yeah its still ultimately your decision. i hope to get your ans one day. 

either 

"stay with me. idn them" kind 

or 

"fuck off. idn you. i need my friends". 

i'm waiting. 

"i fucking love you. but i fucking hate you"

everything became clear. 

sentosa day.

great day to begin with, took my girl out and yeah. had fun i guess even tho it was hot and kinda weird like didnt rly know what to do. 

despite years of planning for dates, i still fail at planning stuffs. fun stuffs. its always just not good enough. 

horrible way to end off the day. great disappointment. mind game was too overwhelming and strong, till my actions gave it all away. still have to surpress them so much more. still have to much to learn from my mistakes. 

but its getting too frustrating. its not the first time my actions led to disappointments. not the first. 

always after always i apologised, reflected, got your 'nevermind's and forgoing of the ridiculous actions, i still get back to sqaure one after awhile. fuck. when will i ever learn. fuck these mind and emotional games where i always fail and crumble. fuck it. fuck my cognitive fucking bullshit mentality. ridiculous. 

so much more places i want to bring you and things i want to do with you, i dont know how or whether its possible but yeah. oh well. at least i'm thankful i'm still here, and most importantly, i'm thankful that you're still here beside me. bc that means alot. bc these are the goals and motivations i hold on to right before the things i have to do over the condition. 

i dont know if i will ever be able to do everything with you, but i certainly hope so,. bc i want to dote on you. i want you to be happy - be it insta and twitter that you're always on, be it if i'm unhappy about it bc you're always on it whenever we do things tgt.. as long as you're happy, that anger goes off real fast. as long as you are GENUINELY happy. 

but needless to say it kinda flipped some buttons in me when i see you using them when i'm with you. just.. makes me feel you're thinking about life out there when you're with me. when all i want is us to be just us alone. even when there are millions around us. 

but maybe i'm expecting too much. 

but maybe i love you too much. 

maybe i'm just too afraid over everything. 

who says being cold blooded could be bad? 

heartless - no feelings, no pain. 

never been so afraid of so many things at once before. 

i will be worried and insecure sick when you're with them. 

but its alright as long as you're happy...... 

i guess... 

sensitivity

i'm sorry. tried so hard to just ignore and not care about it..... but whenever i see you online it just.. it just triggers something in me and.. sigh idk. 

i know i cant be insecure. but i cant help it........ fuck i just wish someone stops. 

special day. to me. within my heart. 

EVERYTHING IS OKAY....

hurts. died. 

but keep it cool. 

Life's time is more precious than arguing and showing your unhappiness. 

"always be okay"

FUCK LIFE.

fuck him. fuck school. fuck family. fuck health. fuck life. fuck god. 

fuck everyone.

fuck god for giving me life. 

fuck health for giving me shit every visit. 

fuck family for giving me 'faces'. 

fuck school for shit stress like as if i can take it anymore. 

fuck him for trying fucking hard. fuck him for not knowing his limits. fuck him for trying what he is fucking trying. fuck him for looking. fuck him for having a long future with you. fuck him for having a life better than mine. fuck him for stealing what i had left last to hold on for. 

congratulations to everyone of you. all of you have won in leaving me with nothing. 

and hey you dickshit bastard that killed my last hope, thank you for kicking me where it hurts the most. i have no energy to fight with you. solely based on time, you already have the upper hand. 

i know what you are thinking. bc i did that to court her too. 

i unfollowed you because i feel maybe just him following you is good enough for you. he will be there to favourite and ask about your every single movement. 

"because he understands you." 

rant #1

can people leave you alone already? 

one after another ever since i knew you. be it courtship, relationship or friendship. there's always one out there lurking and being the insecurity between us. or maybe just for me. 

yes there are insecurities you felt but they were fake. straight up they made it clear they are into someone else and straight up i confessed i was taken. 

be it whatever stage, there are always the 3rd person. i dont know if they are the ones that are the 3rd, or if i am. bc i am the one distracting you from them. not them distracting us. 

i'm so tired already.

"the one with no love, will always be the 3rd party. timing does not prove 3rd parties" 

truths.

you are too good for me. 

i dont deserve you. you dont deserve any burdens. 

my body will set you free. my soul will stay and protect. 

i should have left.