its so hard. how would this ever end? how will this condition just stablise? i dont ask for anything. i pray to every god or whatever possible things to at least just give me a chance to live. but what can i ever do even if i live. 

but if i leave, how can i ever protect you? 

i always ask myself. why must this happen to me? i mean, am i the only one that makes mistakes? everyone out there millions of countless and heartless people, why does it have to be me? 

tbh i really feel like giving up. giving up is easy. painless. avoidance at its best. but i dont want to leave you alone. i know you can live without me. but i swore to myself to always protect you. i dont know what to do. i dont. when i kept coughing so hard just now, i know something is really beyond control. but we'll see. we'll see. 

to you: 

i know very well your answer to this question.. but i will still write, ask, and hope for it, will you..... stay with me..? 

dont answer me. just let me leave it here, so i could still live, and try to fight, for this hope, that i know is never possible again.

i'm sorry you had to care, when you didnt want to.  

wow. its been 4 years ever since i used this blog. never would i expect myself to actually use this as a platform to make it my diary even till now. 

dear you, i dont know when will you ever see this.. i somehow hope you dont... bc i dont want to be your burden, i dont want you to worry... 

even if you see this when its already too late, dont feel sorry, dont feel sad.. i'm sorry i kept this issue from you, i'm sorry, bc i dont want you to be tied down by me, especially when i'm bed bounded. i dont want you to be hurt, again, by me. 

this period is painful. thats all i can say and describe. 

losing the one you pinned your hopes on for a lifetime, seeing him/her as the love of your life from the day it started, swearing to keep them in your arms, but eventually, i lost everything. i lost the one i love. 

nothing else was the reason, but foolishness, and complacency on my part. i dont blame you for leaving me. i was too lousy a lover for you. 

maybe leaving me was a good choice. afterall, my condition's just getting worser, and will eventually become a burden. huge burden. 

i'm happy that you have your friends, projects, cliques, classmates, cousins, family to stand by you, to give you the love that you need to heal the wounds i inflicted on you. it definitely hurts me alot, but hey.. what else can i ask more for, when all i want is for the love of my life, to smile and be happy? 

definitely, i'm so desperate for that chance, to treasure you, to hold you. but i doubt i can ever get it, at the rate that i'm going.. always wishing to text you every single minute, but i couldnt, bc i didnt want you, the one i love, to block me. it hurts so much, its so much torment for me, as compared to my physical health. 

been diagnosed, and definitely, nothing is looking good for me. my own body's even turning its back on me. everything's failing one by one. 

but as long as i'm breathing, i will protect you, pamper you, love you. even so... when everything else fails.. i will, be your guardian angel from above. walking along side you. 

too bad for me, i'll continue living in regret, in remorse, for hurting the one i love so bad, that i had to force you to leave. taken you too far for granted, that you were too hurt to even continue with me..  trips to wild wild wet, gardens by the bay, uss, etc, were never accomplished, bc of my failure. i'm so sorry for failing myself, i'm so sorry for failing you, but i'm genuinely sincerely sorry, for failing us, for failing 19082012. 

karma's never a bitch, and karma's well deserved for me.. in the case of me hurting you so bad, thus churning out these conditions of my health and body, that i now have to face alone. i gladly accept these conditions. 

it hurts alot.. definitely, as a selfish being, and a protective being, i dont deny having that thought, urge, want, need, desperation of having you back, so that i could cherish, treasure, and love you right again. 

but what rights do i have? i dont have any. as much as i want and need you back desperately, i wont stand any chance. i have myself to blame, for falling for someone who's perfect, lovable, attractive, that people would harbour thoughts of having you, and courting you. 

with this remaining time, i hope, i hope that i could love you right again, and be back into your arms...... or at least... just seeing you being happy with someone else.. holding them, kissing them, like how you've always envyed those couples on instagram. it'll hurt, it'll hurt alot, but its ok.. i'm happy, when you are. 

i'm sorry, my dearest baby 🐮.. i'm sorry.. 

i love you.. so very very much... 

wow .

LOL . long time since i blogged . sorry if its dead . and if you're reading it , thanks ! lol . welll . this days has been normal~ . duh .. how good can it be . wakaka . then .. oh yeaa ... lolz .

today was 3rd day of step-up program .. haha , was alright and i vowed to myself i MUST buck up and mustn't fail like how i did this year's EOY . . sianz . lol . so dont blame me if i reply late or neva reply till after school or recess .. cuz i wana study ! haaha . but depends on who uh .. (; . only two of them then i reply fast . muahahha ! but the rest , dont be discouraged lah , at least i'll reply youuuu~ . haha ! .

well , today went to VP's office . fooooyoooh . nice . LOL . . spent about 45 mins inside ?? wakaka . funny ttm . well , guess tmr wil stay at D&T workshop to do my artifact ?? haha , only like .. 6 more days to do my artifact , complete journal , production plan , etc ! haha . i chose to do : stationery organizer ~~ . lol . car shaped ! hahah . hope it'll look nicee ~ . well yes !! hehe car-shaped -.- OLD ! hahahah . we'll see ..

so yeah ! wishing all the sec4s good luck and all the best for your GCE O levels ! (: tho ' it had alr started ,. -.- . but i have sent personally to those close to me ! LOL . byebye ! :D .

! wakakakaka !!! ㋡

beachhh ! (: muahahahhakakakaka ! (:

lolz ... today went school with the mindset of "omg omg. maths maths ! " haha . but overall , managed to cool down and all bah .. wakaka .

you know , tho' i went in like "nvm , i can do it . (: " but you know what ? i open the paper and look at the question , i was like . "ok ..... i'm cooling down .. wait , WTF is this ?!?!?! " haha , i tell you .. i was like _|_ sia . whacked and whacked the paper .. ( as in with a pen . not physically . -.- ) . after paper , i counted those that i think i cmi ( cnnt make it ) .. those marks . guess wad 40++ . CB ! , its over 80 marks sia . confirm fail bodoh . fed up sia . pass up paper , grab bag , 1st word produced . "fuck . " so much for having tuition and doin so much on arc length and circle properties .. 1 single shit of it didnt even appear in the paper . _|_ . fed up sia . grrr ..

but nvm oh~ . after paper and all , went with clique to vent it all out and eat ! wakakaka ! :P . lol , i didnt know choosing wad to eat with them was such a challenge . haha ! funny to the max .. finally chose to eat at ehub ! :D .

then beach-ed at PRP . (: . snapped so much pics .. wakaka . :B .

anyw .. had fun lah with them (: , they neva fail to make my day . hehe . him too >.< . opps ! wakakaka .

ok gonna go study now ... hehehe . good girl right (: i know .. *vomits* . k ah~ . bye people ! wish me luck for poa tmr .. haha , hopefully hidaya will teach me .. thru the virtual world ~ hahaha .

_|_

fuck today seriously .

started D&T paper , then skipped 2 FULL pages ! fuck . 12 marks sia . che* bai . just because i forgot whats morphological analysis . fuck lah knn . i swear i can punch and fight someone after that paper sia .

then went to class , all studies for poa . then all hell break lose . fight took place . zzz .. stress ? very bah ..

then poa paper ... infront was do-able bahs .... but i couldnt balance ! urgh ! why ?!?! . stress enough today sia . i swear i could turn violent after those two papers sia . _|_ . lucky no one smsed . otherwise i confirm fcuk the person upside down with my anger sia . urghh . .

but after paper , went to eat with clique at E!Hub at Just Asia .. hehe . from there , my mood turned better ah ... thanks tomy clique .. thanks dearies . hehe . i felt like today was my last day of exam .. but unfortunately , no ...

thurs , after physics last paper (9:30am) , gonna go cycling with my clique ! weehee ~ . gonna treat samantha tho' . haha . i think i'm gonna zoom my way down !! hahahah ! cant wait ! *excites**

fri , gonna watch movie with clique once again ! hahaha . but cant decide wad to watch . should i watch my first horror movie with them ? "The Child's Eye" , in theater , 3D ! omg .. lol .. should i ? i think i'm gonna scream at the top of my lungs sarcasticly to scare them lor .. :P hehehhe . :D . or should i watch some other calm and funny ones ? hmmm ...... we'll see i guess . hahahah !

tats all . take care people .

oh shit . it was .... NOT US .

yest mum birthday , ok ah .. everything went well .. (: **wondering why no pics ? ** haha , cuz i bought the wrong type of batteries and the batteries dont lasts .. -.- . abit only . so lazy upload uh ... haha . but my phone wallpaper is me and siblings bahs .. you want you take and see . fun fun till.....

well .. today's chem and chinese listening paper was do-able and awesome respectively . hehe ! tmr jialat sio . D&T and POA . fuck ! confirm haywire sia ..

oh shit you .

Pfft . wadssup with yest and today sia . yest , even when i'm going home , you dont give me peace and get lost . you know what ? well , FUCK YOU . yes . why is it have to be at the same time , same place ? _|_ .

Guess what , spent 7 hours sitting infront of the comp yest . :O . at first want off at like after 5 1/2hours ... then she online , i told her 815 i want off , she say 9 can anot . haha , end up around 945 then off ? =.= . **Thanks huh .. ** hahah . but enjoyed the convo lah duh . hehe . ok shut up huiting . :X

then today . Mum's birthday . haha . yeah , later i'm gonna snap snap snap all the photos so stay tune to my fb ! haha recently creating pokemon cards of people .. so if you want , tell me ! haha . ( its under the album named "boredom!" . so yeah ) . haha .

oh screw the maths paper 1 today .. 1 1/2 hours to do .. i tot enough .. who knows . left 1 min and i left the last question + some previous ques tat i skipped cuz' i cant remember the formulas .. shit sia . it was 18 marks ( those previous ques ) . and the last ques , 4 marks . its over 60 . damn shit . when collected papers , all my 20 brothers and sisters were all cursing & saying die die die , all shaking head . all left the class with a heavy heart . _|_ . i wanted to cry , seriously . i fucking dont want to drop out from this awesome bonded class ok . fucking stress . bloody hard . why cant i be smarter ?! this ques always been in my head . its like .. urgh fuck lah .

fine ah ... i'll maybe stop thinking about the past papers and juz move on with the upcoming more killer papers ... but . i'm gonna study much much much much harder for maths paper 2 . REALLY . i DONT want to disappoint. work work for it ! haha .

nvm , bye people ! :D