its so hard. how would this ever end? how will this condition just stablise? i dont ask for anything. i pray to every god or whatever possible things to at least just give me a chance to live. but what can i ever do even if i live. 

but if i leave, how can i ever protect you? 

i always ask myself. why must this happen to me? i mean, am i the only one that makes mistakes? everyone out there millions of countless and heartless people, why does it have to be me? 

tbh i really feel like giving up. giving up is easy. painless. avoidance at its best. but i dont want to leave you alone. i know you can live without me. but i swore to myself to always protect you. i dont know what to do. i dont. when i kept coughing so hard just now, i know something is really beyond control. but we'll see. we'll see. 

to you: 

i know very well your answer to this question.. but i will still write, ask, and hope for it, will you..... stay with me..? 

dont answer me. just let me leave it here, so i could still live, and try to fight, for this hope, that i know is never possible again.

i'm sorry you had to care, when you didnt want to.