good friend..? what does that mean..? isnt that excuses everyone gives..? isnt it a stage before everything goes on..? i really dont know why i'm feeling this way. in my opinion, definitely he's not attractive or wtv.  but i really dont feel good. can someone give me an explaination or foretell of my heart's feelings? bc i dont even know what to do. bc i dont even know why i dont feel good about this. 

maybe bc no one was worthy of your tweets except your clique. but he was the first from your poly life. maybe bc its a one way side from him..? maybe eventually it will be a two sided matter...? 

fuck what to do. what to do. fuck. 

control her, feel the authority?

go the hard way, fuck her feelings?

fuck him upside down, let him back off?

make things tense, threaten him? 

fuck yeah i'll do it if it was in the past. 

but nah. thats stupid. thats untrusting. thats unreasonable. thats hurtful to her. 

give her the freedom, its worth it. 

trust her, she knows her limits. 

let her be happy, thats all that matters. 

what am i?

 insignificant. 

be it to family, ordinary street humans, or the love of your life you one sidedly call yours. 

i dont know how to start. 

sorry. i really didnt mean it as a lie or hide from you. its just that i feel its not letting down thats why i said that.. fuck. should have told you my hairstyle, and not just tell you "i'm not letting down my hair". fuck. i'm sorry. 

i know your friends and projects are stressing you out.. i know you're stressed.. just... take a break sometimes and drink lots of water.. i promise i wont add onto your stress. thats why i'm speaking and voicing my thoughts and feelings here.. 

rt rt rt rt. tiring. painful. really so much to rant. so much to share with you. but i dont want to, bc i dont want you to know. i dont wish you to know the effects of this diagnose. i dont wish you to worry. 

its very little time left. i really dont want to go and give in to this, when we are still in bad terms or rocky. 

i'll give you sometime to cool down.. and for me to straighten out the ways to make sure what i am saying will be what you are thinking too.. so as to avoid misunderstandings again like this, for no reason. we both get hurt for nothing, but just different understanding of the words. i'm sorry. 

i still have more rt, more surgerys, more risks coming along. tbh i really dk to tell you everything, or to hide those major risks and diagnoses. 

life, so dramatic. and dramas, so realistic. 

its so hard. how would this ever end? how will this condition just stablise? i dont ask for anything. i pray to every god or whatever possible things to at least just give me a chance to live. but what can i ever do even if i live. 

but if i leave, how can i ever protect you? 

i always ask myself. why must this happen to me? i mean, am i the only one that makes mistakes? everyone out there millions of countless and heartless people, why does it have to be me? 

tbh i really feel like giving up. giving up is easy. painless. avoidance at its best. but i dont want to leave you alone. i know you can live without me. but i swore to myself to always protect you. i dont know what to do. i dont. when i kept coughing so hard just now, i know something is really beyond control. but we'll see. we'll see. 

to you: 

i know very well your answer to this question.. but i will still write, ask, and hope for it, will you..... stay with me..? 

dont answer me. just let me leave it here, so i could still live, and try to fight, for this hope, that i know is never possible again.

i'm sorry you had to care, when you didnt want to.  

wow. its been 4 years ever since i used this blog. never would i expect myself to actually use this as a platform to make it my diary even till now. 

dear you, i dont know when will you ever see this.. i somehow hope you dont... bc i dont want to be your burden, i dont want you to worry... 

even if you see this when its already too late, dont feel sorry, dont feel sad.. i'm sorry i kept this issue from you, i'm sorry, bc i dont want you to be tied down by me, especially when i'm bed bounded. i dont want you to be hurt, again, by me. 

this period is painful. thats all i can say and describe. 

losing the one you pinned your hopes on for a lifetime, seeing him/her as the love of your life from the day it started, swearing to keep them in your arms, but eventually, i lost everything. i lost the one i love. 

nothing else was the reason, but foolishness, and complacency on my part. i dont blame you for leaving me. i was too lousy a lover for you. 

maybe leaving me was a good choice. afterall, my condition's just getting worser, and will eventually become a burden. huge burden. 

i'm happy that you have your friends, projects, cliques, classmates, cousins, family to stand by you, to give you the love that you need to heal the wounds i inflicted on you. it definitely hurts me alot, but hey.. what else can i ask more for, when all i want is for the love of my life, to smile and be happy? 

definitely, i'm so desperate for that chance, to treasure you, to hold you. but i doubt i can ever get it, at the rate that i'm going.. always wishing to text you every single minute, but i couldnt, bc i didnt want you, the one i love, to block me. it hurts so much, its so much torment for me, as compared to my physical health. 

been diagnosed, and definitely, nothing is looking good for me. my own body's even turning its back on me. everything's failing one by one. 

but as long as i'm breathing, i will protect you, pamper you, love you. even so... when everything else fails.. i will, be your guardian angel from above. walking along side you. 

too bad for me, i'll continue living in regret, in remorse, for hurting the one i love so bad, that i had to force you to leave. taken you too far for granted, that you were too hurt to even continue with me..  trips to wild wild wet, gardens by the bay, uss, etc, were never accomplished, bc of my failure. i'm so sorry for failing myself, i'm so sorry for failing you, but i'm genuinely sincerely sorry, for failing us, for failing 19082012. 

karma's never a bitch, and karma's well deserved for me.. in the case of me hurting you so bad, thus churning out these conditions of my health and body, that i now have to face alone. i gladly accept these conditions. 

it hurts alot.. definitely, as a selfish being, and a protective being, i dont deny having that thought, urge, want, need, desperation of having you back, so that i could cherish, treasure, and love you right again. 

but what rights do i have? i dont have any. as much as i want and need you back desperately, i wont stand any chance. i have myself to blame, for falling for someone who's perfect, lovable, attractive, that people would harbour thoughts of having you, and courting you. 

with this remaining time, i hope, i hope that i could love you right again, and be back into your arms...... or at least... just seeing you being happy with someone else.. holding them, kissing them, like how you've always envyed those couples on instagram. it'll hurt, it'll hurt alot, but its ok.. i'm happy, when you are. 

i'm sorry, my dearest baby 🐮.. i'm sorry.. 

i love you.. so very very much...