FUCK LIFE.

fuck him. fuck school. fuck family. fuck health. fuck life. fuck god. 

fuck everyone.

fuck god for giving me life. 

fuck health for giving me shit every visit. 

fuck family for giving me 'faces'. 

fuck school for shit stress like as if i can take it anymore. 

fuck him for trying fucking hard. fuck him for not knowing his limits. fuck him for trying what he is fucking trying. fuck him for looking. fuck him for having a long future with you. fuck him for having a life better than mine. fuck him for stealing what i had left last to hold on for. 

congratulations to everyone of you. all of you have won in leaving me with nothing. 

and hey you dickshit bastard that killed my last hope, thank you for kicking me where it hurts the most. i have no energy to fight with you. solely based on time, you already have the upper hand. 

i know what you are thinking. bc i did that to court her too. 

i unfollowed you because i feel maybe just him following you is good enough for you. he will be there to favourite and ask about your every single movement. 

"because he understands you." 

rant #1

can people leave you alone already? 

one after another ever since i knew you. be it courtship, relationship or friendship. there's always one out there lurking and being the insecurity between us. or maybe just for me. 

yes there are insecurities you felt but they were fake. straight up they made it clear they are into someone else and straight up i confessed i was taken. 

be it whatever stage, there are always the 3rd person. i dont know if they are the ones that are the 3rd, or if i am. bc i am the one distracting you from them. not them distracting us. 

i'm so tired already.

"the one with no love, will always be the 3rd party. timing does not prove 3rd parties" 

truths.

you are too good for me. 

i dont deserve you. you dont deserve any burdens. 

my body will set you free. my soul will stay and protect. 

i should have left. 

i dont know why. 

but i dont feel good when people send people to school. 

王八蛋。去死

fuck you lah bastard... cb.

还线我不够 insecure 吗？还要这样 hiong 她。死北sian 每天都看到你hiong 她。去死他妈的王八蛋。去死 你吃sai 来活

i'm glad.

i'm glad i managed to call you "dear" in real life. when you were paying for the cab fare and i was at the door, i said "dear i go first ah?". felt so good. really. i didnt believe i could actually really say it out, bc i always thought it would always be me fantasizing about me calling you dear in real life. 

thankfully you didnt hear i guess.. just dont wish for you to scold me.. and i feel bad for being late so i crossed the road alone leaving you behind. kept looking back to see if you were there crossing rhe road safely, and you were so adorable wearing those pants and trying to cross the road fast. 

thank you for today.. i really loved it.. sorry for making you angry.. sigh. its my fault. i'm sorry.. 

Happy 23rd month anniversary, baby.  ❤️. 

(in advance.. its tmr tho).. 

i know you're stressed... but i'm here for you.. i will..

silent hopes.

i hope we could meet...

before school, 

after school,

during breaks,

me skipping certain useless lectures to break away and study together at your place, 

to spend time doing nothing but talking and gazing at each other, 

to treasure you and cherish you with every breath i have. 

to right every wrong, to make us soulmates. 

these, are my silent hopes, my silent faith, my silent wishes, i may want it desperately with everything i have, but i will never force you ever again. 

because forcing you, 

was the stupidest choice ever. 

it hurts when you change the subject. really. 

我知道。

我知道我不是一个完美的爱人，

不是你的好'老婆' ，

我从来没得到一百分，

但是。。

我真的很爱你，

而很怕失去你。。

我爱你。

i hate them being around you. 

but i have to accept it. 

i'm fine. i'm fine. hurt, definitely. but i'm fine. 

80% condition, 20% me. idk. i dont know what to feel except sighing and breathing hard. definitely hurt. but no uh..

YOUR douglas. YOUR no 1. YOUR king. who else have i not come to know..? danish? gabriel? who else..? friends. friends. yeah. 

hey remember how we started out? friends. 

i admit. i'm jealous unhappy upset hurt. 

but i'm alright. 

as long as you're happy.. my pride or emotions are nothing. i mean it. 

i didnt expect myself to do that... to actually try to make you leave permanently.. 

how could i ever take it.... why...? why did i have to even do that...........

fucking stupid. fuck... what was i even doing....? 

emotions got the better of me, and bc of my condition, and bc of those things i see about you, bc of me not being able to see you, bc of it being swollen, bc of it being so risky, i couldnt take it any longer... 

it was so wrong. it was so wrong..... 

look at the mess you done today...

 i'm sorry i didnt make you happy. at all.. i'm sorry..... 

angered you, and took it upon myself. 

worse day of my life. 

yeah. seek refuge in others. i hope you are well. 

Cold hard truth.

he started asking again today.. sigh idk whats going on. but i guess just have to find out or just.. leave it. 

i dont mind anything. all i want is to be with you. i know its undeserving. but i'm holding on so i could have you and my health back. 

thats all i'm fighting for. but i'm tired... i'm tired of all the pain and therapy..  of the reactions you give me. 

but thank you for agreeing to go school with me.. simply seeing you, your smiles, really made the pain lessen. idk if its the focus or smth.. but i swear its true. 

i know it is hard for you. i know somethings are bothering you. i want to be there for you. like how i used to. like how you told me to be strong, and be your strength. 

i really will do anything just to have you back... i can and will give you time.. not for me or you to forget us, but us to feel the need for each other genuinely. with no prides left standing between us..

tbh living life with risks made me see many things. i'm sorry that i keep wanting to meet you.. i'm just afraid it will spread anytime, and there will be no time left. i'm not being pathetic, i am stating the facts, the cold hard truth. bc it is spreading, and it is becoming a constant daily fear for me. 

honestly, i'm just afraid i wont be able to cherish you anymore.. 

i just came to realise this isnt as simple as it is. 

how long more?

i have no idea why.. but i cried during rt. it hurts alot. and its damn painful... but its alright. i have to hold... 

its so hard to be vulnerable to anyone anymore.. i really want to just rant, be truthful about my feelings and my fears. no family, no you, no one. 

i understand you mean well by asking me to be optimistic.. i am trying to.. but the feeling when news break, when there is no joy in this, its so hard to be joyful.. i cant pour it out... can i just be weak for awhile in your arms..? i am not self pathetic but its just my feelings showing. its just me being afraid. 

i'm sorry. i hope you dont see this bc its just me pouring my feelings. i know you will get angry seeing this. so i really hope you dont. i hope no one does. 

i'll hold on. 

我希望有一天你会对我说，“我爱你”。

i ever hoped, that you would never let me go.

you dont need me anymore, 

i know it. dont spell it out for me. 

give me that one last of hope and love i need. 

i know i wouldnt try. i know i will let myself go. i hope everyone will live in denial over what will happen. it isnt sudden. at least for me and my body. 

i love you. and i will forgive you when you found another lover. 

i dont know what or where it takes me, but i hope i would be able to watch over you. i love you. i miss you. 

i cant believe you will not be there to see me off. that, will be my only regret.