i've never reflected as much as last night..

unspoken emotions.

fuck everything. you them him attention seeking fuckers trying get attention.

the outburst surge of hate grinding on my teeth. to hell with douglas lim. best friends. fuck best friend logic. fuck excuses. fuck shit. fuck love. fuck losing myself my sanity.

fuck everything. 

was so pissed, so disappointed, so hurt, that i went to remove wa pic, twitter pic, header, etc. but fuck. after awhile its like. "wtf you angry fuck what rights y'have". and like, fuck can i do when thats what she wants. 

to avoid letting her know and see that all the icons of us are gone, i put all the original pics back - willingly. 

yeah, she hurt me. i felt hurt definitely. i cried. but fuck it. it doesnt mean that if you're hurt you have to make her feel hurt too. 

she may hurt me, but i'll surpress my emotions, turn it around and treat her like my girl again. a princess. she deserves these treaments from me. not me hurting her anymore like before. "tit for tat"? fuckingest bullshit logic ever. 

and yeah. i hope its basic respect that i get to know that he's talking to you when i'm still here.

 i'm still here. you dn any male bestfriend or guy or whoelse. your friends - jaslyn geraldine all, fuck yeah go w them. bc i really idm. but that and the rest are diff. i hope you know. if i'm gone, you can have all the freedom you want. really. 

but i'm still here. and i hope you abide to this - just this. bc its impt. but yeah its still ultimately your decision. i hope to get your ans one day. 

either 

"stay with me. idn them" kind 

or 

"fuck off. idn you. i need my friends". 

i'm waiting. 

"i fucking love you. but i fucking hate you"

everything became clear. 

sentosa day.

great day to begin with, took my girl out and yeah. had fun i guess even tho it was hot and kinda weird like didnt rly know what to do. 

despite years of planning for dates, i still fail at planning stuffs. fun stuffs. its always just not good enough. 

horrible way to end off the day. great disappointment. mind game was too overwhelming and strong, till my actions gave it all away. still have to surpress them so much more. still have to much to learn from my mistakes. 

but its getting too frustrating. its not the first time my actions led to disappointments. not the first. 

always after always i apologised, reflected, got your 'nevermind's and forgoing of the ridiculous actions, i still get back to sqaure one after awhile. fuck. when will i ever learn. fuck these mind and emotional games where i always fail and crumble. fuck it. fuck my cognitive fucking bullshit mentality. ridiculous. 

so much more places i want to bring you and things i want to do with you, i dont know how or whether its possible but yeah. oh well. at least i'm thankful i'm still here, and most importantly, i'm thankful that you're still here beside me. bc that means alot. bc these are the goals and motivations i hold on to right before the things i have to do over the condition. 

i dont know if i will ever be able to do everything with you, but i certainly hope so,. bc i want to dote on you. i want you to be happy - be it insta and twitter that you're always on, be it if i'm unhappy about it bc you're always on it whenever we do things tgt.. as long as you're happy, that anger goes off real fast. as long as you are GENUINELY happy. 

but needless to say it kinda flipped some buttons in me when i see you using them when i'm with you. just.. makes me feel you're thinking about life out there when you're with me. when all i want is us to be just us alone. even when there are millions around us. 

but maybe i'm expecting too much. 

but maybe i love you too much. 

maybe i'm just too afraid over everything. 

who says being cold blooded could be bad? 

heartless - no feelings, no pain. 

never been so afraid of so many things at once before. 

i will be worried and insecure sick when you're with them. 

but its alright as long as you're happy...... 

i guess... 

sensitivity

i'm sorry. tried so hard to just ignore and not care about it..... but whenever i see you online it just.. it just triggers something in me and.. sigh idk. 

i know i cant be insecure. but i cant help it........ fuck i just wish someone stops. 

special day. to me. within my heart. 

EVERYTHING IS OKAY....

hurts. died. 

but keep it cool. 

Life's time is more precious than arguing and showing your unhappiness. 

"always be okay"

FUCK LIFE.

fuck him. fuck school. fuck family. fuck health. fuck life. fuck god. 

fuck everyone.

fuck god for giving me life. 

fuck health for giving me shit every visit. 

fuck family for giving me 'faces'. 

fuck school for shit stress like as if i can take it anymore. 

fuck him for trying fucking hard. fuck him for not knowing his limits. fuck him for trying what he is fucking trying. fuck him for looking. fuck him for having a long future with you. fuck him for having a life better than mine. fuck him for stealing what i had left last to hold on for. 

congratulations to everyone of you. all of you have won in leaving me with nothing. 

and hey you dickshit bastard that killed my last hope, thank you for kicking me where it hurts the most. i have no energy to fight with you. solely based on time, you already have the upper hand. 

i know what you are thinking. bc i did that to court her too. 

i unfollowed you because i feel maybe just him following you is good enough for you. he will be there to favourite and ask about your every single movement. 

"because he understands you." 

rant #1

can people leave you alone already? 

one after another ever since i knew you. be it courtship, relationship or friendship. there's always one out there lurking and being the insecurity between us. or maybe just for me. 

yes there are insecurities you felt but they were fake. straight up they made it clear they are into someone else and straight up i confessed i was taken. 

be it whatever stage, there are always the 3rd person. i dont know if they are the ones that are the 3rd, or if i am. bc i am the one distracting you from them. not them distracting us. 

i'm so tired already.

"the one with no love, will always be the 3rd party. timing does not prove 3rd parties" 

truths.

you are too good for me. 

i dont deserve you. you dont deserve any burdens. 

my body will set you free. my soul will stay and protect. 

i should have left. 

i dont know why. 

but i dont feel good when people send people to school. 

王八蛋。去死

fuck you lah bastard... cb.

还线我不够 insecure 吗？还要这样 hiong 她。死北sian 每天都看到你hiong 她。去死他妈的王八蛋。去死 你吃sai 来活

i'm glad.

i'm glad i managed to call you "dear" in real life. when you were paying for the cab fare and i was at the door, i said "dear i go first ah?". felt so good. really. i didnt believe i could actually really say it out, bc i always thought it would always be me fantasizing about me calling you dear in real life. 

thankfully you didnt hear i guess.. just dont wish for you to scold me.. and i feel bad for being late so i crossed the road alone leaving you behind. kept looking back to see if you were there crossing rhe road safely, and you were so adorable wearing those pants and trying to cross the road fast. 

thank you for today.. i really loved it.. sorry for making you angry.. sigh. its my fault. i'm sorry.. 

Happy 23rd month anniversary, baby.  ❤️. 

(in advance.. its tmr tho).. 

i know you're stressed... but i'm here for you.. i will..

silent hopes.

i hope we could meet...

before school, 

after school,

during breaks,

me skipping certain useless lectures to break away and study together at your place, 

to spend time doing nothing but talking and gazing at each other, 

to treasure you and cherish you with every breath i have. 

to right every wrong, to make us soulmates. 

these, are my silent hopes, my silent faith, my silent wishes, i may want it desperately with everything i have, but i will never force you ever again. 

because forcing you, 

was the stupidest choice ever. 

it hurts when you change the subject. really. 

我知道。

我知道我不是一个完美的爱人，

不是你的好'老婆' ，

我从来没得到一百分，

但是。。

我真的很爱你，

而很怕失去你。。

我爱你。

i hate them being around you. 

but i have to accept it. 

i'm fine. i'm fine. hurt, definitely. but i'm fine. 

80% condition, 20% me. idk. i dont know what to feel except sighing and breathing hard. definitely hurt. but no uh..

YOUR douglas. YOUR no 1. YOUR king. who else have i not come to know..? danish? gabriel? who else..? friends. friends. yeah. 

hey remember how we started out? friends. 

i admit. i'm jealous unhappy upset hurt. 

but i'm alright. 

as long as you're happy.. my pride or emotions are nothing. i mean it. 

i didnt expect myself to do that... to actually try to make you leave permanently.. 

how could i ever take it.... why...? why did i have to even do that...........

fucking stupid. fuck... what was i even doing....? 

emotions got the better of me, and bc of my condition, and bc of those things i see about you, bc of me not being able to see you, bc of it being swollen, bc of it being so risky, i couldnt take it any longer... 

it was so wrong. it was so wrong..... 

look at the mess you done today...

 i'm sorry i didnt make you happy. at all.. i'm sorry..... 

angered you, and took it upon myself. 

worse day of my life. 

yeah. seek refuge in others. i hope you are well. 

Cold hard truth.

he started asking again today.. sigh idk whats going on. but i guess just have to find out or just.. leave it. 

i dont mind anything. all i want is to be with you. i know its undeserving. but i'm holding on so i could have you and my health back. 

thats all i'm fighting for. but i'm tired... i'm tired of all the pain and therapy..  of the reactions you give me. 

but thank you for agreeing to go school with me.. simply seeing you, your smiles, really made the pain lessen. idk if its the focus or smth.. but i swear its true. 

i know it is hard for you. i know somethings are bothering you. i want to be there for you. like how i used to. like how you told me to be strong, and be your strength. 

i really will do anything just to have you back... i can and will give you time.. not for me or you to forget us, but us to feel the need for each other genuinely. with no prides left standing between us..

tbh living life with risks made me see many things. i'm sorry that i keep wanting to meet you.. i'm just afraid it will spread anytime, and there will be no time left. i'm not being pathetic, i am stating the facts, the cold hard truth. bc it is spreading, and it is becoming a constant daily fear for me. 

honestly, i'm just afraid i wont be able to cherish you anymore.. 

i just came to realise this isnt as simple as it is. 

how long more?

i have no idea why.. but i cried during rt. it hurts alot. and its damn painful... but its alright. i have to hold... 

its so hard to be vulnerable to anyone anymore.. i really want to just rant, be truthful about my feelings and my fears. no family, no you, no one. 

i understand you mean well by asking me to be optimistic.. i am trying to.. but the feeling when news break, when there is no joy in this, its so hard to be joyful.. i cant pour it out... can i just be weak for awhile in your arms..? i am not self pathetic but its just my feelings showing. its just me being afraid. 

i'm sorry. i hope you dont see this bc its just me pouring my feelings. i know you will get angry seeing this. so i really hope you dont. i hope no one does. 

i'll hold on. 

我希望有一天你会对我说，“我爱你”。

i ever hoped, that you would never let me go.

you dont need me anymore, 

i know it. dont spell it out for me. 

give me that one last of hope and love i need. 

i know i wouldnt try. i know i will let myself go. i hope everyone will live in denial over what will happen. it isnt sudden. at least for me and my body. 

i love you. and i will forgive you when you found another lover. 

i dont know what or where it takes me, but i hope i would be able to watch over you. i love you. i miss you. 

i cant believe you will not be there to see me off. that, will be my only regret. 

good friend..? what does that mean..? isnt that excuses everyone gives..? isnt it a stage before everything goes on..? i really dont know why i'm feeling this way. in my opinion, definitely he's not attractive or wtv.  but i really dont feel good. can someone give me an explaination or foretell of my heart's feelings? bc i dont even know what to do. bc i dont even know why i dont feel good about this. 

maybe bc no one was worthy of your tweets except your clique. but he was the first from your poly life. maybe bc its a one way side from him..? maybe eventually it will be a two sided matter...? 

fuck what to do. what to do. fuck. 

control her, feel the authority?

go the hard way, fuck her feelings?

fuck him upside down, let him back off?

make things tense, threaten him? 

fuck yeah i'll do it if it was in the past. 

but nah. thats stupid. thats untrusting. thats unreasonable. thats hurtful to her. 

give her the freedom, its worth it. 

trust her, she knows her limits. 

let her be happy, thats all that matters. 

what am i?

 insignificant. 

be it to family, ordinary street humans, or the love of your life you one sidedly call yours. 

i dont know how to start. 

sorry. i really didnt mean it as a lie or hide from you. its just that i feel its not letting down thats why i said that.. fuck. should have told you my hairstyle, and not just tell you "i'm not letting down my hair". fuck. i'm sorry. 

i know your friends and projects are stressing you out.. i know you're stressed.. just... take a break sometimes and drink lots of water.. i promise i wont add onto your stress. thats why i'm speaking and voicing my thoughts and feelings here.. 

rt rt rt rt. tiring. painful. really so much to rant. so much to share with you. but i dont want to, bc i dont want you to know. i dont wish you to know the effects of this diagnose. i dont wish you to worry. 

its very little time left. i really dont want to go and give in to this, when we are still in bad terms or rocky. 

i'll give you sometime to cool down.. and for me to straighten out the ways to make sure what i am saying will be what you are thinking too.. so as to avoid misunderstandings again like this, for no reason. we both get hurt for nothing, but just different understanding of the words. i'm sorry. 

i still have more rt, more surgerys, more risks coming along. tbh i really dk to tell you everything, or to hide those major risks and diagnoses. 

life, so dramatic. and dramas, so realistic. 

its so hard. how would this ever end? how will this condition just stablise? i dont ask for anything. i pray to every god or whatever possible things to at least just give me a chance to live. but what can i ever do even if i live. 

but if i leave, how can i ever protect you? 

i always ask myself. why must this happen to me? i mean, am i the only one that makes mistakes? everyone out there millions of countless and heartless people, why does it have to be me? 

tbh i really feel like giving up. giving up is easy. painless. avoidance at its best. but i dont want to leave you alone. i know you can live without me. but i swore to myself to always protect you. i dont know what to do. i dont. when i kept coughing so hard just now, i know something is really beyond control. but we'll see. we'll see. 

to you: 

i know very well your answer to this question.. but i will still write, ask, and hope for it, will you..... stay with me..? 

dont answer me. just let me leave it here, so i could still live, and try to fight, for this hope, that i know is never possible again.

i'm sorry you had to care, when you didnt want to.  

wow. its been 4 years ever since i used this blog. never would i expect myself to actually use this as a platform to make it my diary even till now. 

dear you, i dont know when will you ever see this.. i somehow hope you dont... bc i dont want to be your burden, i dont want you to worry... 

even if you see this when its already too late, dont feel sorry, dont feel sad.. i'm sorry i kept this issue from you, i'm sorry, bc i dont want you to be tied down by me, especially when i'm bed bounded. i dont want you to be hurt, again, by me. 

this period is painful. thats all i can say and describe. 

losing the one you pinned your hopes on for a lifetime, seeing him/her as the love of your life from the day it started, swearing to keep them in your arms, but eventually, i lost everything. i lost the one i love. 

nothing else was the reason, but foolishness, and complacency on my part. i dont blame you for leaving me. i was too lousy a lover for you. 

maybe leaving me was a good choice. afterall, my condition's just getting worser, and will eventually become a burden. huge burden. 

i'm happy that you have your friends, projects, cliques, classmates, cousins, family to stand by you, to give you the love that you need to heal the wounds i inflicted on you. it definitely hurts me alot, but hey.. what else can i ask more for, when all i want is for the love of my life, to smile and be happy? 

definitely, i'm so desperate for that chance, to treasure you, to hold you. but i doubt i can ever get it, at the rate that i'm going.. always wishing to text you every single minute, but i couldnt, bc i didnt want you, the one i love, to block me. it hurts so much, its so much torment for me, as compared to my physical health. 

been diagnosed, and definitely, nothing is looking good for me. my own body's even turning its back on me. everything's failing one by one. 

but as long as i'm breathing, i will protect you, pamper you, love you. even so... when everything else fails.. i will, be your guardian angel from above. walking along side you. 

too bad for me, i'll continue living in regret, in remorse, for hurting the one i love so bad, that i had to force you to leave. taken you too far for granted, that you were too hurt to even continue with me..  trips to wild wild wet, gardens by the bay, uss, etc, were never accomplished, bc of my failure. i'm so sorry for failing myself, i'm so sorry for failing you, but i'm genuinely sincerely sorry, for failing us, for failing 19082012. 

karma's never a bitch, and karma's well deserved for me.. in the case of me hurting you so bad, thus churning out these conditions of my health and body, that i now have to face alone. i gladly accept these conditions. 

it hurts alot.. definitely, as a selfish being, and a protective being, i dont deny having that thought, urge, want, need, desperation of having you back, so that i could cherish, treasure, and love you right again. 

but what rights do i have? i dont have any. as much as i want and need you back desperately, i wont stand any chance. i have myself to blame, for falling for someone who's perfect, lovable, attractive, that people would harbour thoughts of having you, and courting you. 

with this remaining time, i hope, i hope that i could love you right again, and be back into your arms...... or at least... just seeing you being happy with someone else.. holding them, kissing them, like how you've always envyed those couples on instagram. it'll hurt, it'll hurt alot, but its ok.. i'm happy, when you are. 

i'm sorry, my dearest baby 🐮.. i'm sorry.. 

i love you.. so very very much...